***Chapter Six: The Forest***

Alucard was bored again. There was nothing to do. Students didn’t want to come to his classes. The principal couldn’t talk them into it. It could’ve been so much fun… And the coffin was stoned for some reason… Why did it go to the owls? It was spitting out the feathers for two hours now. It even ate about ten owls and didn’t throw up… Exhausted with these global thoughts, the vampire was silently cleaning the guns. But it’s a day right now, so it’s time to go to sleep.

Snape couldn’t recover from the last night. And from the five bullets of salt, from which, there were in his a$$ too. Madam Pomfree has wasted 2 hours to get them out. Plus, he was out of weed. But maybe the last point was for the better. Snape collected all the literature on vampires to get rid of Alucard. As a result, he decided, that the best way is to get the vampire, out in the light. But he has to get along with a girl, even if she is red-eyed.

Seras was looking for a way to feed herself. She was hungry… very hungry. She could probably last one more week, but then…

Victoria entered the sick quarters and asked:

-Is there any blood left?

The nurse shivered and backed out a few meters:

-No, but we have some blood-regaining potion

-Give it to me!

Victoria grabbed the bottle and hurried back to the dungeon. She didn’t offer the potion to her masta, maybe it’s poisonous?  Seras decided to try it first on herself. She drank half a bottle and howled. The potion was disgusting.

-Maaastaaaa, heeelp!!!!

-What is it now?

-Here… I drank this…

-You idiot, it’s for mortals!!!

BAM!! Seras collapsed on the floor.

-Lucky. I was trying to find myself in the mirror yesterday. I’ve found Arthur for some reason. I’d better starve for a while.

***Several hours later. Evening***

-Masta, why do we have to look in the forest?

-I don’t know, I think we might find something useful there…

-Why did the give us students to help? As a snack?

-Maybe, but they don’t know it yet

-You will go with a new teacher

-Noooooooooo!!!!!! We’re dooooomed!!!!!! We’re going to die!!! – Ron screamed

 -It’s your fault! Now go!!!

The forest was getting closer. Alucard’s figure loomed not so far away. The rule breakers were trembling in fear of close (and maybe painful) death.

-Oh, the snacks are here! – Seras yelled happily

Mass faint. After a half an hour, everybody has entered the forest.

-Mmmmmisssttttterrrr Allllucccarrrdd?

-Huh?

-Ddddo you know about Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?

-Who-Must-Not-Where-What? Who is this guy?

-The most powerful dark wizard! Voldemort!!!

-Whatever, if I meet him, I’ll let you know…

Students exchanged amazed looks. After walking in the forest for two hours, Alucard has finally found the stuff he was looking for – the ghouls.

-Well, let’s start the hands-on learning. Destroy them.

The children shouted some spells and went hiding behind the trees. The corpses kinda didn’t care at all. Alucard killed them (the ghouls). After tasting someone’s leg (mass faint) he said

-Not fresh…

As a result, he found out that there is a lot of stuff that moves in the forest that can be killed. After that, during the night, you could hear loud screams, shrieks, and loud, merry cusses. Alucard was coming back I the morning, without bullets, but veeeery happy. The forester, who tried to defend the rights of the animals, was taken in a party. After shooting from Harkonnen he cried for a while, and said that he was not right. From this point on, the loud cussing were heard in two voices.

                                                                       ***

-Masta?

-Wha?

-What happened?

-I don’t remember

-Why is everyone so scared?

-I don’t remember that too

-Screw you, masta…

-…

***Chapter Five: Adventures in the Night***

*Loud demonic laugh*

-Come on Police girl, we need to patrol that castle

-Why Masta?

-Let’s go, walk through some bedrooms…

-But that’s masochism!!! YOU CAN’T LOOK AT FOOD AND NOT EAT IT!!! We need to eat something… someone…

-We need to check the castle anyway. Who knows who lives here…?

-Ugh let’s go

***Meanwhile***

-We need to try to sneak in the library and find out what synchrophasotron is!

-Why Hermione???

-It can be really important, you idiots!

-Meet me here, at 1 AM!

-Are you tired from sitting here, you poor thing? Well go, take a walk!

The coffin waved its back hand and happily ran away, to take a walk in the castle

Alucard checked his guns and went patrolling the castle. Victoria grabbed the Harkonnen and went patrolling the grounds. She saw a village, not far away and decided to visit it in the morning. Three retards were slowly sneaking towards the library. Valentine Brothers were just sneaking. Alucard was sneaking with a goal. Professor Snape was walking with weed in his mouth. But he didn’t enjoy the highness. He was depressed ever since the vampire got here. Suddenly, he heard something moving behind him. Snape turned around but saw nothing. The coffin was quietly crawling on the ceiling. He hasn’t been smoking for half of the century. A hand landed on Snape’s shoulder. Behind him, was a two-meter coffin. With arms. He took away the weed, put it in a crack and ran away. Snape was lagging for about two hours and was silently trying to understand what have just happened. Then, he went to his study. There was a little bit left there. He started smoking again. Suddenly, a red-eyed bat got out from under the cupboard.

-Why do you feel so bad?

-Well, there’s a new vampire in school who took my place.

-You want to get rid of him?

-Yeah, but how?

-That’s how………………………………….

Near the library, the three idiots met the other two.

-Hey, bro, someone else is here

-Yes, I can sense them…

Luke followed the smell and pulled away the invisibility robe.

-FOOD!!!!! – Jan yelled

-What are you doing here? – asked Victoria. Harkonnen gently hit Jan in the back of his head.

-YOOOOUUUUU!?!?!? Then you’re with….

-You are so smart, yes I’m here too – Alucard said, going out of the wall.

-Um, Luke, we’re screwed

-Definitely – The cheery vampire hunter said. I give you 30 seconds

*Loud thumping,*

-Oh, free food!

-Yeah, let’s blame all on these retards. Remember children, disobeying the rules is dangerous for your health….

-AAAAAAAAH, I’ll kill you!!! – Snape screamed and launched himself onto Victoria with a stolen cross

Alucard teleported behind Snape and shot him.

-Ah $h!t, I forgot to change the bullets. It’s still salt. But anyway, he won’t be able to seat down for a long time… And where are the other three?

-Ran away

-Lucky bastards…

-Masta, look what I bought

-What the hell is that?

-Lollipops with blood flavor. They’re so good!

-Mmm, delicious!

***Next morning***

-Professor, please, sit down

-No, thanks, I can eat, while standing…

-Potter, Granger, Wealsey! Prof… I mean, Lord Alucard told me, that you broke the rules!

-But he almost ate us!!!

-Detention!

-Yes, professor McGonagall (I’m not sure I spelled this right)

-If you love the adventure so much, you will go to the forbidden forest!!!

-Nooooo!!!

***Chapter Four: First Class***

-Masta, that was too much!

-Well how could I know that this old guy got this $h!t from Integra. Thank God he only hit me with this stupid cross once…

***Half an hour before***

After the hat incident, Dumbledore decided to spend a little education time with Alu. He took out a little red envelope and led Alucard to his study. Alucard, however didn’t like it, because the decorations included a huge aspen cross and a large number of garlic. Dumbledore opened the envelope. As a result, Alucard got a huge stress. It was his worst nightmare. Integra’s voice filled the room:

-Obey! Behave yourself!!! Don’t kill anyone!!!

…and a few other important warnings

In the end, Dumbledore got an approval to be a vampire master until the end of the operation. Professor signed and said:

-Lady Integra gave me a list if there will be some disturbance.

In the next few days Alucard, however has broken one law. But a few times. Here’s how it happened. He found out, that the paintings here can speak. It was all the Police Girl’s fault. Some count got carried away by her figure. And Victoria obviously got really confused and has blown away the wall with her Harkonnen. The paintings started screaming. Alucard made about ten headshots. Then he said:

-A painting is a stationary art

Therefore – be quiet and don’t move. That’s how the paintings found it out. A few students made the same assumptions.

The second incident happened when Alucard found out that there are ghosts in the castle

-BAAAAAAA, count Erik!!! Anything hurts after the umm “stake accident”?

-You… You?

-I’m already 500 years me. Don’t show up here or I’ll finish you off

-Ha! You can’t! I’m already dead!

Vampire laughed. He transformed into mist, grabbed the ghost by the throat and hit the head of the wall a few times. Then took his Jackal aimed in Baron’s head and said to everyone:

-If you thought that it’s impossible to hurt a ghost – you were wrong

The ghost screamed so loud, that all the glass broke in a radius of about 20 meters around them: Alucard shot away Baron’s finger. It grew back, but it was really painful

-Remember, I have lots of bullets.

This way the ghosts understood that they’d better not argue with Alucard. Now everyone has made that assumption. Therefore, when Alu was walking around in the castle everything in the radius of 100 meters froze and didn’t move.

On the second morning, Harry and Ron came in the common room. There they saw Hermione hitting the wall with her head. The effect was amazing. Chunks of concrete were flying off the ceiling and breaking when hitting the girls head.

-What happened?

-I’m dumb, I’m an idiot!

-Why?

-I can’t find the word synchrophasotron in the library!!!

-Whatever. You can ask… Where is our class taking place?

-In the dungeon

Students were slowly coming in the dungeon. In the corner, near the teacher’s table was Victoria who was reading a book. “No, I just can’t not prank them” – Alucard thought

The door shut abruptly. The locks clicked. Everyone started shivering. Alucard flew in through the ceiling. He showed his teeth and move towards the scared students. Everyone ran towards the opposite wall. Many of them thought “That’s it #@$#%”. Alucard moved closer

- Where is the attendance book?

- Onnnnnnnnnn tttttttttthhhhhhhhhee tttttttttttabbbbbbbbbbllllllllllle…. – chattered the prefect

-Well then you can live – Alucard smiled and thought: “If I can’t eat them, I’ll at least make all of them commit a suicide or something…”

-Well… Today we’ll learn about vampires. Who can tell me the ways of fighting them?

Everyone was silent.

Slowly, a shaking hand went up. Hermione began telling, trying not to make any sudden movements.

- Sounds like truth – Alucard said – Victoria, come to the middle of the class

-Yes Masta!

- Here is the example of a genuine vampire – Seras stuck out her chest and pouted. The male part of the class gulped.

Clang. BAM! The body fell down. Blood splattered on the floor. The class froze. A few people were quietly throwing up.

-That’s how you fight the undead

-Masta, you could’ve at least warned me!!! What if I get like an infraction or something, what’s then?

-That’s salt, you idiot!

When the corpse started talking all the class ran towards the exit. They broke the door, leaving 5 or 6 lying bodies behind. Only some splinters remained from the desks. Only, in the middle of the class some fat guy was trying to dig in the floor. And the most interesting thing is that he managed to do that. He got about half a meter deep into the stone, when he realized, that there is no door there

- What happened to them masta? Maybe they’re sick?

-Maybe they are. Next time I’ll bring the coffin with me, we’ll show them the habitat

Valentine Brothers were waiting. Snape was thinking of a plan how to not harm himself and get rid of the evil teacher. Many students were thinking about the same thing. And no one from these retards knew that Alucard can read minds.

Luke:

-We need to go and check what’s going out there

-Luke, dude, let’s just go and f#(%!&g kill everyone!

-Well….

-Come on, man, we’ll wipe them out!

-Ok, ok let’s go

***Chapter Three: The distribution, or how is it called…***

-It’s a pretty big castle, bigger then mine in Transylvania… - a former count sadly said

-Whatever, Masta maybe we’ll pri-va-tize this one – said Seras, while reading the book

“No she IS actually becoming smarter. And gaining some sense of humor too. And it’s all just in six hours!” – Alucard slowly understood what a big mistake he has done. In the instructions they should’ve gone straight into the castle and that’s what they did. Alucard, who was tired of looking at the exhausted Police girl, used his old method. Only Walter has heard of it. A big, black coffin quickly walked on its hands with Alucard and Seras on top of it. It quickly ran by some carriages with batlike horses. “Hmmm, maybe I should get one for the decorations” – Alucard thought…

The castle was really a pretty big one. They were met by some guy with long black hear. His look was dreary but when he saw a moving coffin, he immediately threw away the weed he was smoking. “Noooooo, screw that, I tell you, screw everything. WTF is happening? Some Japanese dudes walking around on a moving coffin, selling some $h!t.” “You can also wash your head you know” – Alucard thought while looking at the guy

-I’m Professor Severus Snape, I’ll show you the way – the guy said

-Let’s go then, handsome –Victoria replied

Two really mad pairs of eyes were staring at her. One pair, slowly looked down on the appendages to the face. The other one thought “I think I’m going mad… Poor Pip, she will kill him with her brains…”

***Meanwhile***

-Jan, Jan, get out…

-Luke, dude, why the f*** did we come here?!?!?!?

-One guy wanted to pay us for destroying some castle, I don’t know…

-Hell Yeah!!! Of $!it we’ll have some fun f***

***Several minutes later. Hogwarts***

-This is the Big Hall. Here are your seats

-And what about food?

-Umm what?

-Darling, we drink blood

-ARE YOU TWO VAMPIRES?!?!?

-Yeah, Masta’s really bad. Hey, Masta, maybe Sir Integra forgot to tell them?

-Yeah it’s possible

Alucard sat down, put his legs on the table and started staring at the students. Some guy with a long beard was talking some crap about some random stuff. Then came the smallest children, they were standing near an old hat on a stool. It started singing. !@#$%^&*()!@#$%^&*()!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? “I should stop drinking Walter’s tea….yeah…..*

The hat was a few seconds away from its death. Alucard almost shot it, just to be able to think more clearly.

-Let me introduce your new teacher – said the bearded guy – PROFESSOR ALUCARD!!!

Next events occurred according to this schedule:

1) Applause

2) Cassul is pulled out

3) Victoria’s scream “Get Down, you old @%#$!!!”

4) A sound of a moving breech

5) The brand smile

6) A shot

7) A fired-through hat falls on the ground

This scene took approximately as much time as it takes to say: “Lord Alucard is really accurate and 13mm bullets are really dangerous for your health”

-NEXT TIME IF SOMEONE CALLS ME A PROFESSOR HE WILL GET HIS SKIN RIPPED OFF!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND, BASTARDS!?!?!? – The vampire screamed

A few people got out from under the tables, nodded and got back under. But the first night in school was a success.

-Have you seen him?

- Suuuper duuude…

-He’s a real monster!

-That was so cool…

-LOL what’s gonna happen next?

-Retards! Have you seen the hot girl near him?

(Naïve guys LOLOLOLOLOL)

***Chapter Two: Hogwarts Express***

-Masta, we’re here!

-I can see, thank you! And where the f*** is that dumb platform?

-Maybe in-between?

-Well it’s easy to check – Alucard goes through the wall. Victoria remains outside. Even in this crazy place, people were staring at her. You must agree that people that go through walls can be excused, but a girl with a really long case and 2 coffins cannot be ignored. Suddenly a hand came out of the wall and pulled Seras in.

-Oh! A red train! Cool!

- (sarcastically) yeah, it really brings up your eyes, police girl….

Victoria didn’t get the joke and went to look for an empty compartment

-Police Girl!

-Wha?

-What’s in that knapsack?

-An encyclopedia…

-What encyclopedia???

-A big one!

“What_a_retard_...” – Alucard thought trying to remember his joke. You can’t even make fun of her, she’s so dumb, and it’s not even funny…  He came in his compartment, dropped the coffins and Victoria’s Harkonnen on the empty seat near Seras adding it to the picture of her, trying to read a huge encyclopedia volume. “I should’ve given her something that easier to read…” Suddenly three teens squeezed in compartment, between the coffins and the Harkonnen. Alucard started staring at them VERY closely. They were quietly chatting. One girl was talking without stopping, the guys – red haired and a nerdish looking one were listening to her. “Looks like Integra in her childhood” – Alucard thought – “She too loved to book everyone who was near.” The children became quiet and stared at the vampire:

-Are you the new teacher?

-Maybe…

-My name is Hermione Granger, I’m the best student, and I know everything! (Then, for about half an hour there was an unstoppable flow of information going out the girl’s mouth about some wands and spells) Then suddenly Victoria put her head up and looked at the talking without stopping geek. Then, Seras said a word, just one word that have stunned everyone, even Alucard

- Synchrophasotron…

…and continued reading. After being stunned for about half an hour, the nerdish looking boy said:

-What is your name, sir?

-Alucard…

-And mine is Harry Potter

-…congratulations…………………………………

The trio has exchanged amazed glances. Then, the door of the compartment has opened. There was a white haired sniveler and two others standing. Alucard’s hand started reaching for the Jackal. The boy looked just like Anderson and Maxwell. Two in one dammit….

-Who is this guy? – asked the boy with lots of scorn in his voice

-This is Professor Alucard!

When heard “professor Alucard”, Victoria fell on the floor and started laughing insanely. Alucard cried, grabbed everyone and kicked them out of compartment.

-If anyone else will call me a professor, I WILL BITE HIS HEAD OFF!!! – Alucard screamed

-Yes Masta……hahahasorry………..

“Maybe the reading of intellectual literature gave her some sense of humor…”

In two compartments away from them were the Valentine brothers, hiding under the seats. Why? Who knows…? Probably because I needed to add some secondary characters to the story, but shut up! The official version will be that Voldemort needed spies at Hogwarts

 - (Voldemort speaking) I’ve heard the new teacher is coming to Hogwarts and he is really powerful

- What are you going to do my Lord?

-Do not worry. I’ve send two of the best killers you could ever find

(SUCH AN IDIOT LOLOLOLOLOL)